Archive for May, 2012
Its hard to believe that my surgery was three days ago. I have been sleeping through much of this. (Thank you pain killers)
But today has been a good day. I have stopped taking the pain killers, and am moving my arm. If I try hard I can move my arm almost completely. But strength wise its very very weak. I tried to put in the power plug of my laptop with my bad arm, and it took me like 20 secs before I could manage to shove it in.
I also met with my surgeon again today, and she redid the dressing for the wounds. The armpit one hurts the most. The full histopathology report is back. Mostly on the lines as we expected, except that the cancer is actually a grade 3. (more aggressive than we initially thought). The Stage is confirmed at IIA.
I have setup an appt with the oncologist for Tuesday.
It will be a very long time before I forget the day I opened the test result report to see that I have cancer. I have a mortal fear of diagnostic test results now. Every time I have a report or result due, I am certain that it will show the worst. I work myself into a panic every-time, every single time.
It still seems strange that I have to get sick in order to get better. In fact this feeling is worsened knowing that the cancer is no longer inside me. That the main treatment is done. All the treatment that comes now is to ensure that the cancer does not come back and to give me a better long term prognosis. But after all these treatments will I ever be able to rest easy? Will I not worry about every ache pain, lump , I don’t think so. Seems kinda pointless no then?
Just a very quick update , the surgery was done. The cancer was removed. YIPEEE…
There was a lymph node biopsy done, which was negative and this means no spread to lymph nodes. Again YIPEEE….
Now I am recovering from the surgery and the wounds are healing. My left arm hurts a lot and movement in the arm is restricted. But all things considered , everything’s all good. 🙂
The cancer stage is likely stage 2a. The full pathology report is pending and we will have a complete picture after this.The chemo also will depend on the full pathology report.
So the surgery is tomorrow… and I cant help being a little fidgety. My body will be never be the same again….
But … But… BUT … in roughly 28 hours from now… the cancer will be removed from my body. I have been carrying around this hateful tumor everywhere with me… everywhere i go, everything i do… even as I type this… it’s here sitting almost next to my heart, growing a little bit every second. I imagine it like an alien being in possession of my boob, that has a tiny heart beat of its own , as it spreads its tentacles deeper and deeper into my body.
By nightfall tomorrow, IT WILL BE GONE. I am sure this is relieving, and this is what I will be staying focussed on.
Bye Bye cancer. You wont be missed.
In other news, Mommy’s here..! This is the first time my Mom and K are meeting, and in other circumstances this would have been an awkward time. But , now everything is in perspective. Noone cares about who said what, who stays where, and all that. Everything is going smoothly. 🙂
I also managed to get some dental fillings done, though I haven’t managed to work out how to fit the root canal in yet. We’ll see, lah!
The only way I have managed to stay sane till now is thanks to all my lovely friends. I know I am not the best in keeping in touch, but they have just somehow managed to keep me going. Really. Even those who I haven’t told about the diagnosis , and are blissfully unaware.
When I tell them though , everyone has a different reaction though, here are some… Needless to say I love them all…! 🙂
Friend 1 : I don’t believe this. Its not possible. Are you sure there is no mistake. You should see another doc. This one is a quack. How can this happen? There must have been a mistake at the lab. Send me your report, no you should do an call with my doc, … its not possible… what shit…! how can you believe this quack.
Friend 2 : Its fine. Its nothing. Its like a cough or flu. You know you take some medication and get better. cough medication is not good for you, it makes you sleepy. Chemo is just like that….. you wont even know you are sick.
Friend 3 : <sobbing> OMG … what is going to happen now? oh man.. this is so bad… how did happen. its because you drink all this coke all the time… <sobbing some more> oh my god… what will happen now.
(and this after I told her that its curable… !!! Heaven knows what would have happened if I had called her when I was still uncertain. )
Friend 4 : <silence> ……. <more silence> ….. <silence that is getting awkward now> …. ok. Be positive. Stay strong.
Friend 5 : I know this and this oncologist who treated <so and so celebrities > … My fathers ke friend ka bhai ki chachi ka husband is so and so is an radiologist, you should talk to him.
Friend 6: Well, now that we know this is not life threatening… Its kinda cool …! you get to be a cancer survivor.
Friend 7 : Lets go skydiving next year… !
( ummmm .. I let them disfigure my boob, undergo toxic medication and go into menopause at 30 , for what? So I can risk all that by jumping out of an airplane…. I think not…!!!)
P.S. : one of these is K. 🙂
And its amazing how almost everyone signs off with the same “practical” advice… 🙂
“Eat properly” , “Rest well”, “Don’t stress”, “Don’t strain “, “Eat properly”
So I guess its finally hitting me. Being positive can be exhausting.
I have decided to let myself get bummed out for a bit. So I have cried out rivers today, asked myself several what if’s , wondered since when I have had it , given to some guilt of not being a healthy eater, and generally pulled at every unproductive thought thread I can think of.
So I have been counting all my losses in this fight with cancer… ! A fight that I did not start and do not want to fight. I dont have a point to prove , I dont want to show the world or the cancer or myself anything. I dont want to pretend that I am brave and strong and confident, when inside I am just angry. Angry at way my life was taken away from me. I mean I am a good person, was going about ,minding my own business. And just like that … WHAM… someone said you have cancer .. and now fight it. I mean WTF????
Anyway back to the point, my losses :
My breast : I mean here I am deciding between chopping of my breast or just losing my nipple and exposing myself to radiation everyday for 6 weeks. Either way, no matter how I look at it, it WONT be the same. Maybe eventually when I am 60 it wont matter, but it does now.
Chemo : Yesterday I found out that chemo causes WEIGHT GAIN. I mean seriously … like I did not have enuf weight problems anyway. So, soon I am going to be a short, bald , fat woman…!!! Again WTF… ??? (Yes, yes, I know its really funny if its not happening to you..!! Dont you DARE tell me its funny)
Hormone therapy : For 5 years… means no babies for 5 years..!! Not that I was planning on making any.. but still I hate being told I cant make them.
Today was a good day. Was able to sleep well and without waking up several times all stressed, like the last few nights. Went out with K , watched a movie (the best exotic marigold hotel) and drank a bit.
Now trying to prep myself for surgery and chemo. Surgery , is relatively ok now that I know that the recovery is only 3-4 days. The chemo am not sure, since I haven’t yet met with an oncologist. The surgeon had mentioned that it would likely be 4 doses over 21 day cycles. Most websites say you can continue working through chemo, and I intend to, but just hope I am not underestimating its effects. I dont want to take a long time off since that would make me “feel like a sick person” , and I want to feel as normal as possible, as soon as possible.
Normal, you know, when the word cancer is not on your mind ALL the time……. even when you are doing something, talking to someone, its always there….. when you wake up in the morning and your first thought is not “Oh crap, I have cancer and I need to do something about it”.