16 May 2012 : Acceptance

Today has been all about acceptance, (or least trying to accept). I did not have too much to do. A blood screening test came back , with all results normal. Doesn’t change the fact that I have cancer, but I count this as a minor win.

I am having a hard time accepting that I have cancer. Here are some examples of things I felt today.

  • Obsessing over seemingly insignificant details : Ever since I have found out about the cancer I have been obsessing about how the doctor said she cant save my nipple. I had no idea I cared so much about my stupid nipple. But right now , I just want to NOT lose this. I feel like I can go to any lengths to save my nipple and my breast.
  • Inability to accept that I am sick : Physically I feel fine. I feel like if I just don’t go to the doctor I can continue feeling fine. Its the going to the doctor that is causing all this worry , stress, and upcoming loss of nipple.  I have this strong urge to just stop seeing this doctor.
  • Wanting time to stop and fast forward at the same time :  I want to hold on to these few days before the surgery as long as I can. Since I don’t really feel sick, or feel any pain, am not on any medication, its easy for me to imagine I am alright.  I will always think of these as “pre-cancer” healthy days. But then a part of me also wants to skip past the coming weeks , to the part where I am all better. The part where I look and feel like I do today.
  • Desperately wanting back the “Monday” worry : Monday , 7 May 2012, was the last day, that was not about my breast. On Monday morning, I was worried about work, about calls and emails I had to return, about meeting K parents. Ever since the cancer has happened , these things have stopped mattering to me. I desperately want to feel worried about those things again. I want to be normal again.

I am actually exhausted even though I haven’t done anything.

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