For the last couple of days I have this anger simmering inside of me. Usually I am good at knowing what I am upset about, but I had no idea why I was angry.
I think I finally have it now. When I met the surgeon on Thurs she kept saying things like “if you choose to not have chemo”, “if you choose to have babies in two years” blah blah…
But , I don’t have a choice, do I? How could I possibly choose to get pregnant in two years knowing it would increase my risk of the cancer coming back? Isn’t that supremely irresponsible , not just to me but for the baby that I would be taking this risk for? I don’t have the shred of a choice, no matter what the surgeon says.
K and I had a pretty heated argument. He said absolutely no babies, our own or adopted, until we have gone a few years with no traces of cancer. I got upset, not because I want babies. But just cause I hate that so much of MY life and MY decisions are not in my control anymore. When I can work, whether I can move to a different country, what I eat, drink, and even wear. I hate that ALL my other grand life plans have to be adjusted around this now.
K being K, was just amazing about it all. He says to think of it like a gift. A gift of a couple of years where we don’t have to be tied down. Where we can travel as we like, spend money as we like, and feel bad for our friends who had babies too soon.
Gift, my ass! Cliched nonsense! K really needs some better lines….