Archive for September, 2012
During the course of this dreadful disease , almost everyone I know has told me in one way or another that I am really courageous or brave or strong. And cancer in general comes coupled with war words like “fight” and “survivor” and “battle” etc etc…
The vain part of me likes to hear that, but somewhere I wonder if I being a hypocrite by acknowledging these adjectives.
Because I am THE most coward person I know!!! I tend not to go looking for an adrenalin rush. I would never willing do skydiving, or jumping in an ocean or any adventure sport really. I am also really non-confrontational. I go to great lengths and great pains to avoid a fight. My way of dealing with most problems or unpleasant tasks or confrontations is pretending that they are not there for as long as I can, (and also kind of hoping they go away on their own) and then finally just dealing with it all the while thinking about how I will treat myself later.
And that mostly summarizes how I have dealt with the cancer as well. and it so strange that people insist its “courageous” just because that the right thing to say? And it really doesn’t feel much like “fighting” when you are just curled under a blanket pretending all this is isn’t happening.
I dont say this isnt hard, or that I am not handling it well…. but I just feel it is a result of not having any choice. Cancer just came and knocked my life off track… it could have happened to anyone and they would dealt with it the same way, and you know why …. because what’s the alternative? Not deal with it.. or go crazy with
And maybe that why those terms get associated with every cancer patient…!!!
So today was Taxol #4 … and the blood counts are finally doing well. But as we all know its impossible to have everything going well at the same time…. so this time my liver has started to cave.
Due to abnormal liver function results , which is likely from the chemo , buts need to be managed before it causes more damage , I now have some dietary restrictions. So I have to cut down on everything that doesn’t taste terrible, and eat more of everything that is terrible.
More joy! <sigh> ( Please noone tell me to look on bright side . There is no bright side . Yes I get to save my liver , but if you remember a few months ago , my liver was safe and I could eat what I wanted. )
We also visited the last Doctor , in my health care entourage, the radiation oncologist. He talked a lot about complex calculations , angling techniques, radiation level calulation etc etc . To me , 30 min after chemo…. I dont really know what he said, but well , 33 doses and hopefully my boob will only be “mildly seared” and not ” fried to a crisp”.
Clearly I am not handling this all that well, afterall.
So the taxol has been on for 2 weeks now… overall its definitely better than AC. I have no fatigue and no nausea. My eyes feel much better. Taste changes are there but quite minimal.
The big side effects of the taxol are the body pain. Some days its my whole body, and others its just hips and legs. I hate the pain killers, (some make me groggy, some make me nauseous, and none of them take away all the pain) so I just deal with the pain, like a woman. But I am crabby and grumpy all the time. I make long faces when some one tries to hug me, and just overall am a terrible person to be around.
The other side effect is the nerve damage to my feet. Now I was always clumsy to begin with… so this doesn’t make it any easier. It takes forever to stand up and get walking.
So yeah , I have not being the sunny & cheerful , farting rainbows and burping flowers self. But But But… i am planning a holiday just after this treatment ends. Yes right after. The Onco is not happy at all… but you know what … I don’t care. I intend to go on this holiday , come what may. I have worked round this shit for so long now, I cant a bear it even for a minute longer than I have too.