During the course of this dreadful disease , almost everyone I know has told me in one way or another that I am really courageous or brave or strong. And cancer in general comes coupled with war words like “fight” and “survivor” and “battle” etc etc…
The vain part of me likes to hear that, but somewhere I wonder if I being a hypocrite by acknowledging these adjectives.
Because I am THE most coward person I know!!! I tend not to go looking for an adrenalin rush. I would never willing do skydiving, or jumping in an ocean or any adventure sport really. I am also really non-confrontational. I go to great lengths and great pains to avoid a fight. My way of dealing with most problems or unpleasant tasks or confrontations is pretending that they are not there for as long as I can, (and also kind of hoping they go away on their own) and then finally just dealing with it all the while thinking about how I will treat myself later.
And that mostly summarizes how I have dealt with the cancer as well. and it so strange that people insist its “courageous” just because that the right thing to say? And it really doesn’t feel much like “fighting” when you are just curled under a blanket pretending all this is isn’t happening.
I dont say this isnt hard, or that I am not handling it well…. but I just feel it is a result of not having any choice. Cancer just came and knocked my life off track… it could have happened to anyone and they would dealt with it the same way, and you know why …. because what’s the alternative? Not deal with it.. or go crazy with
And maybe that why those terms get associated with every cancer patient…!!!