So its one month… one month since my diagnosis.
I slept a very troubled sleep last night and I had a dream. In the dream, I had a choice to choose between a life with no cancer , but also no K, or my current life with both. The decision is a no brainer for me, for having K around and in my life, for some the happiest moments have been with him, I feel I can beat cancer a thousand times over.
Thank you for that , Dream God.
I am back into good spirits and health. We visited the second onco today, a Dr Lopez., at the Johns Hopkins Cancer center at Tan Tock Seng Hosp. In the waiting room, K and I were giggling about nonsense like a couple of 6 yr olds. (My mom actually decided to sit a couple of seats away from us). I feel so much happier , just cause of all that laughing. Laughter is after all the cheapest medicine… too bad it doesn’t kill cancer though.
Dr Lopez was beyond awesome. Not that he said anything different from what Dr Mow. had said, or that Dr Mow. was in anyway uncomfortable, but just that Dr Lopez, has a way about him. I am seriously considering getting treated here. By Dr Lopez. But on the other hand , Mt Elizabeth is so much closer to home, and Dr Mow, knows my surgeon. Argh!.
I have about a week more before chemo should start for my healing to be complete. I need to have the root canal and port install done then.
So today we met Dr Mow , the oncologist. This was an “education” meeting , mostly on line to convince us why chemo is recommended for me. He showed us how much the recurrence rates would improve if I did the chemo. Well, I guess there was never any question if I would do the chemo.
He has recommended a 8 cycles regimen , once every two weeks. So that’s 4 doses of Anthracycline, forllowed by 4 doeses of taxanes. He says that research shows benefits if the dose is every other week , instead of once in three weeks. He thinks I am healthy enough to take it.
I will take a second independent opinion on this, but should be ok.
He also sent us to a gyno, to talk about the procedures for storing eggs or embryos. I wish I hadn’t gone. The gyno was practically pushing us to save eggs, save embryos , cut out one of my ovaries , cut it up and freeze it and re-put it back when all this is over, take injections to shut down my ovaries, and god knows what else.
He also made me me do some tests, which i think are totally pointless, to check my womb and ovaries and what not. ( These tests are like pap smear ,NOT fun!!) God, my head is aching and I feel sick, and exhausted.I don’t want any more surgeries.
And in the having babies versus staying alive argument , who in their senses would pick babies?
So if chemo kills my lady parts, so be it.
So this weekend I managed to get up and out of the house for a bit. K and I met up with an old college friend of mine, who was in Singapore for some work. It was great. Nothing feels better than catching up with old friends, and talking about what idiots we used to be. I think there were moments this weekend, when things felt “normal” , almost like the cancer had never happened.
My arm is getting better everyday. I have some painful swellings around the sites of the surgery. but Dr Google tells me this is to be expected. So not worried.
For the last couple of days I have this anger simmering inside of me. Usually I am good at knowing what I am upset about, but I had no idea why I was angry.
I think I finally have it now. When I met the surgeon on Thurs she kept saying things like “if you choose to not have chemo”, “if you choose to have babies in two years” blah blah…
But , I don’t have a choice, do I? How could I possibly choose to get pregnant in two years knowing it would increase my risk of the cancer coming back? Isn’t that supremely irresponsible , not just to me but for the baby that I would be taking this risk for? I don’t have the shred of a choice, no matter what the surgeon says.
K and I had a pretty heated argument. He said absolutely no babies, our own or adopted, until we have gone a few years with no traces of cancer. I got upset, not because I want babies. But just cause I hate that so much of MY life and MY decisions are not in my control anymore. When I can work, whether I can move to a different country, what I eat, drink, and even wear. I hate that ALL my other grand life plans have to be adjusted around this now.
K being K, was just amazing about it all. He says to think of it like a gift. A gift of a couple of years where we don’t have to be tied down. Where we can travel as we like, spend money as we like, and feel bad for our friends who had babies too soon.
Gift, my ass! Cliched nonsense! K really needs some better lines….
Its hard to believe that my surgery was three days ago. I have been sleeping through much of this. (Thank you pain killers)
But today has been a good day. I have stopped taking the pain killers, and am moving my arm. If I try hard I can move my arm almost completely. But strength wise its very very weak. I tried to put in the power plug of my laptop with my bad arm, and it took me like 20 secs before I could manage to shove it in.
I also met with my surgeon again today, and she redid the dressing for the wounds. The armpit one hurts the most. The full histopathology report is back. Mostly on the lines as we expected, except that the cancer is actually a grade 3. (more aggressive than we initially thought). The Stage is confirmed at IIA.
I have setup an appt with the oncologist for Tuesday.
It will be a very long time before I forget the day I opened the test result report to see that I have cancer. I have a mortal fear of diagnostic test results now. Every time I have a report or result due, I am certain that it will show the worst. I work myself into a panic every-time, every single time.
It still seems strange that I have to get sick in order to get better. In fact this feeling is worsened knowing that the cancer is no longer inside me. That the main treatment is done. All the treatment that comes now is to ensure that the cancer does not come back and to give me a better long term prognosis. But after all these treatments will I ever be able to rest easy? Will I not worry about every ache pain, lump , I don’t think so. Seems kinda pointless no then?
Just a very quick update , the surgery was done. The cancer was removed. YIPEEE…
There was a lymph node biopsy done, which was negative and this means no spread to lymph nodes. Again YIPEEE….
Now I am recovering from the surgery and the wounds are healing. My left arm hurts a lot and movement in the arm is restricted. But all things considered , everything’s all good. 🙂
The cancer stage is likely stage 2a. The full pathology report is pending and we will have a complete picture after this.The chemo also will depend on the full pathology report.